is it only my problem?

some evenings, when you really want to go out with someone, there is none to go out with, and you have to stay home to do nothing because you would like to be somewhere else. other evenings you really want to stay home and do your things, write some emails, play your bass, watch some films, and you have to go out 'cos you already have an appointment with someone. some days you are out with someone and you wish you were with someone else. some days you want to be in rome and you are in utrecht. some days you really want to be in toronto and you are in rome. some days you want to be a student, and you're a teacher. some days you want to be a well-know academic and you're a student. some days you want to be a wood artisan and you're just confused. some evenings you stay home drinking beer and watching videos and you could rather work. some evenings you work and you could rather be out with someone having fun. some days you think this just doesn't make any sense. some days you wish your desires would match with what you're doing. some days you wonder if this is only your problem and how can this be solved. anyone?

When I'm older I wanna read books on the radio (again)

I found a way to go to sleep at a time that resembles more a Dutch time than a Torontonian one:
put on your mp3 player or iPod some eBooks, read by someone, and listen to them in bed.
I'm now experiencing Asimov "The Caves Of Steel" from the "Robot series".

Other options to get to sleep if you don't feel like are:
1) get drunk alone at home and collapse in bed
2) get drunk with someone else and collapse in bed
3) work your head off and then collapse in bed
4) drink 2 litres of chamomile tea or the like
5) sleep with someone (human)
6) get a pet and get it to sleep it you
7) sleep with your stuffed animal

I've tried option 1, 3, 4 and 7 and they don't work.
Suggestions for further listening are welcomed.

if I had kissed a girl..

.. I would get pissed by Kate Perry's song "I kissed a girl".

That's not fresh news I know, but still:
I was happily zapping on the TV yesterday and what do I see? the beginning of the European MTV music awards, opened by Kate riding what is was supposed to be a HUGE lipstick.. (here) Had it had something hanging from it, it would have been the most realistic gigantic penis I had ever seen!

So, in a way she's so sexually explicit that she almost gets my sympathy, but she's blinking to straightness and patriarchy to such an extent I find her annoying.
Also, waaaay before hers, there was a song with the same title which is much better: here.

Toronto for beginners

I've been to Toronto, Canada. It's a very nice city despite who says it's a forest of high buildings and concrete.. it's not.. There's plenty of green and it feels 'fresh'; also maybe 'cos to me it "lacks" the all 'historical' burden, as in 'western history, monuments, etc..', so maybe I wouldn't live there my whole life, but it's a great place.
People are soooo friendly! I thought it was a stereotype like "Canadians are friendly", "Italians eat loads of pizza", "Frenches are romantic" and so forth.. but it's true! Does it mean that also the other stereotypes are true? dunno...
Canadians in Toronto talk to you, in shop, in the street if you are outside smoking a cig, etc.. You enter a place (restaurant, shop, etc..) and they go "how are you doing?" and you think and say "Hi, fine", but no, sometimes they really mean "how are you doing?" and you can say a whole story like "i'm fine but I'm kinda tired and hungry, etc.." and they listen!

Having lived in Holland(1) for 3 years it was a bit of a shock and I almost got pissed to a guy starting to ask, outside a pub, all about Annabel's(2) dissertation, and "where are you from" and "where do you hang out", etc.. . 'Cos I thought he was being annoyingly flirty.. but apparently he couldn't care less! He just wanted to chat and then "bye"..!

"They" say a lot of "awesome" and "sure" and "gotcha" and "they" pronouce 'out' like scottish do: 'ut', like 'ut and abut'.

The summary is: I like Canadians! They drink *pints* of beers (not like Dutchs with Amsterdammertjes and Fluitjes, tiny glasses!).
But cigarettes are way to expensive. In Toronto some big shops are way to kitsch (Honest Eds) and small shops look like they have been closed for years from the ouside but then they are really okay once you get in. I wanna go shopping everyday in "Fiesta Farms". Streets are big and the transport system is clear and easy, but too expensive. Traffic lights are yellow and they have school bus like in 50s films.

Ja, so, I wanna go back there.. just for a wee bit longer.. let's see.. I will.

(1) Most Dutch are.. uhm.. how to say.. cold? uninterested? mostly unfriendly? you say if you had ever been there.
(2) Yes, clearly I was there to see Annabel.

no updates means plenty of updates

yes, it has been forever that I don't update my blog..
that's not 'cos my life is so boring I have nothing to write but because so many things happened/are happening that I have no time to write.. or well, no time enough.. or whatever it's a matter of priorities (so they say). So, just a brief taste of what i might end up writing about soon:
- a. left for Canada
- I'm mega busy with the Noise summerschool (http://www.genderstudies.nl/summerschool2008/index.php)
- I now live in one room (very very nice, same house, instead of two rooms with a. one room with all my stuff) and it feels like a nest, a study, relaxing, working, sleeping, playing, painting nest.. maybe pics will follow soon..
- I miss annabel already, but it's gonna be fine and even great for both of us, even if tough, exciting and tough..
- I feel like a need to talk with my good friends, from rome, just because I really miss them, costanza, silvio and bodina in particular.. :)
- I went seeing Tiz in London and that was great
- I'm addicted to a bbc tv show
- I put in my pc some old tapes of my old bands, plus me alone, playing my songs and not only..

[...to be continued...]

uncomfortably learning

i love to work in bed, with the computer next to the pillow, in the almost-darkness, even if it absolutely uncomfortable, my elbows start hurting and i loose hours of sleep. there is no laziness in doing things at the last minute, or is there?

- i've learnt that if you are used to speaking a certain language, words in that language pop up here and there when you speak in another language, in a manner, way beyond your control.
- i've learnt i can explain what i'm researching about also in italian. it was no easy discovery though. people even find it interesting.
- i've learnt that when you make a phone call you should have something to say. when you talk with someone face to face you might well have nothing to say at all.
- i want to learn to be silent on the phone. would you feel the person of the other side of the receiver as close as you would when talking?
- i've learnt that to me is pretty similar if i change/move or if the word around me changes/moves. is it a bit like with the earth and the sun that doesn't really matter what spins around what 'cos the result is the same?
- i've learnt that surgeons and gynaecologists can have a pretty unpredictable life; and they get patients (and maybe friends) to hate them and swear at them.
- i've learnt (a long time ago already) that some small things can really piss me off: like a plan that doesn't work out, a lost occasion to shut up, waiting for something for hours, paying for a service i don't get, being interrupted when i'm concentrated, feeling distant people i love, feeling too close people i wanna keep distant, having the feeling of forgetting memories i consider very precious, desperately wanting a beer and finding out there is none...
- i've learnt that i get frustrated when i don't say what i want to say.
- i've learnt i don't like people to tell me "that's what you must do, so just do it": the continuous sense of duty and resignation to the unavoidability of unjust burdens and tasks makes me angry. the pursuit of pleasure and happiness is not optional to me. it's actually the only thing worth living for. it seems like a banal thing to say, i've learnt it's not.
- i want to learn to be silent on the phone. i think that would be a very intimate exchange of lives.

shortly

it's late, 2.20 AM.
i've been working till now, smoking and drinking red wine, in the house everyone is sleeping. that's the time when i usually feel more inspired to write.
shortly I'm going to sleep..
shortly i also have a deadline to hand in a chapter (or a decent part of it) to my supervisor and the "evaluation committee" and that's why i'm working now instead of sleeping, being out with friends, reading a nice book or doing anything else.
it's not that i don't enjoy working/writing, i do, but for some reason i'm always late with deadlines and i don't work when i should.. few days ago i figured out that maybe i have some unresolved automatic attitude that makes me be childishly rebellious against academic duties.. i'm usually not very fond of psychoanalytic explanations that connect everything with some sort of "family pattern" or childhood experience.. but in this very case maybe it makes sense..
i'm not really going out, pubbing, or seeing friends in this period, and i'm also not writing email or messages to friends.. which actually sucks 'cos i love to feel close people who i care about and who are in my same city or far away..
anyway i'll come back to my social habits and communication shortly.
but now i go to sleep.

oh love!

good intentions none cares about

today i woke up relatively early, well early for the standard of the last weeks. so now i feel like i have a looong day ahead of me. (un)fortunately i have a thousand things to do, so before i have time to realise it, it'll be 6pm and time to cook and eat the evening ritual.
this evening ritual usually means "the day is almost over and, if you haven't done your thousand things yet, you are a lazy ass and you'll need to work till late tonight, which you won't 'cos you're sleepy so you have just spend yet another procrastination-day".

things i need to do today:
finish preparing lecture; sending tons of emails to thank people, push people, inform people, please people, gently send people to fuck off, etc.. ; buy primary house&food necessities; go to various offices at the univ; fill in a series of different forms, reimbursement, papers and the like; bring VHSs to official place where they can be copied or digitalised; ideally read&study.

things i'd like to do today:
read fun stuff; edit some footage that is starting to be 2 centuries old; blog about something interesting/clever; figure out how to work with the online jumpcut platform; talk with titz 'cos i miss her (and with other friends 'cos i miss 'em too); shave 'cos it getting warm, i'm melting in my jeans and, after all i seem to be a standard girl homologated to massified gendered stereotyped of feminine images (sometimes at least); play some nerdy computergame; play bass.

Maybe if i'm quick and i stop wasting time on internet i'll manage to do everything.. (?)
i'll give it a try...

snapshot #1

Monday 5th of May
h: 17:30

I'm sitting at my desk, preparing the outline of a lecture, listening to RadioOndaRossa; I just had some pineapple; I'm drinking black tea. The window is open to let some "fresh" air enter. It's so warm I'm sweating considerably, I'm quite undressed and a big strip of sun hits my shoulder and I can't close the curtains anymore otherwise it gets too dark. I have a dozen of windows open on the computer 'cos I'm looking for the right article. In half an hour I'll need to start cooking, I'm bored only thinking about it. It's a beautiful warm spring day. People chat outside. Now I'm going get a beer from the fridge.

when I am 60, will I drown in my own 'paper memories' (a.k.a. trash)?

Sometimes I need to tidy up my desk. It's not that hard when it involves filing or throwing away bank statements, articles for the Univ., old meaningless train tickets or shopping lists; but it becomes a gigantic enterprise when it comes to 'meaningful' pieces of paper, 'meaningful' train or museum tickets, notes from beloved people, nice postcards, etc.. I can't throw them away, I just can't do it!

The result is a kinda folder full of stuff that is almost exploding and a couple of drawers or small boxes in the same state. Importantly I've been in Utrecht for little more than 2 and a half years. So just imagine what I left in Rome....

I'd like to 'travel' light. And I'm getting a lot better. I'm learning to let go of objects: "keep the memory, trash the object". Now I can even (often enough) get rid of useless and barely meaningful stuff like bus tickets, fliers of I-don't-know-what, notes, shopping lists, very crappy drawings I do in pubs (only the very crappy though), etc...

This is what, for example, was on my desk for months (together with a 'happy-new-year" postcard for 2008, in theory for a friend of mine, that I have never sent. NOTE: Bodina, it was for you!! if you want I can still send it now! :) ) and ended up in my 'memories' folder in my closet.

Dance-films flyer, Film festival flyer, film conference, T-shirt LEGO label, a postcard from video-artist U.B.:
Explanation of a cool video installation that was in October/November 07 (?) at the Stedelijk Museum in Amsterdam:A card from my mum and a card from a lovely old lady neighbour in Rome:
This is the final result! My desk is clean and spacious and I'm proud like a baby who pooed for the first time and stares at the product of her effort with infinite self admiration.
[Flowers kindly offered by the sweet other inhabitant of the house :) ]

Go China?: For decoration only and (not) for consumption

On the 1st of May I went to see this exhibition that is travelling around Europe. Admittedly I only went to the Drents Museum in Assen (North Holland) where the archaeological part of the collection is shown; so no contemporary Chinese arts, ‘cos that’s in the Groninger Museum. Admittedly is also not a great idea to go on a holiday day when all families, older people and the 50% of the Dutch population is out for a day-trip. In fact, you risk having a heart attach seeing the enormous queue waiting outside the entrance of the museum for a hundred meters or more, to get the tickets. More importantly you risk getting’ stuck in the corridor of the museum with hundreds of people rambling around, flocks of 70-80 years old people staying still in the middle of the rooms chatting, twin-buggies occupying the whole space in front of like 5 display-windows where you are supposed to see tiny objects, and you need at least 20 minutes to reach a toilet.

Okay, point taken, not a very clever day to go there. But we had the tickets already (long live the internet) so at least no queue for us.

Anyway, the collection was interesting, the Terracotta Army impressive, other statues and various objects beautiful. The general installation of the exhibition was good, interesting set up, cleverly made cloth walls and elevated bridges to observe the real life-size Terracotta statues. The written explanation was total crap. 30 lines in total of text giving nothing else but dates, names and numbers (how many statues, how old, how deep in the ground, etc..), nothing at all about why? who? how? under which circumstances?

But what stroke me the most was the museum shop:

The exhibition is called “Go China!”. Possible subtitles could be: “China goes pop for western dummies: ready for consumption” or “Go China, do the 2008 Olympic games*, expand your market in Europe, we are ready, we don’t understand anything of Chinese culture and traditions but we like your cute statues and handsome soldiers”.

Please notice that the ‘original’ statue of the soldier kneeling looks pretty much like this.
[From the cover of the museum guide]
And please notice how in the colourful ‘pocket’ versions he becomes more slim, his face longer, his facial traits more ‘western’, all in all, like some kind of cute actor in “The three Musketeers” with just a bit of a pleasant oriental look.

[The pictures here were taken in the shop].

China goes Dutch:
China goes cow (?):
Yes, there are also statures of women. A lot less in fact.
I leave to you the analysis of those statues..
Noteworthy is that almost ALL the shops in Assen used the subtle marketing strategy of putting random Chinese or oriental looking objects to decorate their windows, this is one out of hundreds of examples:
Finally, the 30th of April is Queen's Day in Holland, so this is what the streets of Assen looked like the day after:
Notice that also the compulsory orange items that you have to wear on Queen's day went Chinese for the occasion:
Orange 'Chinese' hat!
[Holland is soooo multicultural!]

- fine -

* From the website of the Groninger Museum: “In het Olympisch jaar 2008 staan het Drents Museum en het Groninger Museum geheel in het teken van China.”

help: i need the right one

what do you listen to, sing, play, shout when you are angry and frustrated and you would like not to implode? which song? which lyrics? what?!

thanks in advance for the help!

visual memories are private matters

this Easter my parents came to Utrecht.
these are some of my mum's impressions of what Holland is like, or at least of what she thought was meaningful enough to be photographed.

























if you want more click here

vitamin D anyone?

***** Attention: Educational Advertisement *****

I found out I lack vitamin D... that's because I don't spend enough time outside.
I found out I have a problem with 'prestatie', that is, I have a difficulty in handling the feeling and the fact of having to perform well even if I don't care about it, or better, I have a difficulty in fulfilling all the requests of performances that are expected from me.
I also found out my general balance (PL) is messed up 'cos I often have to do things I don't really want to do.

Guess what is to blame for all this?

Writing a PhD is dangerous, being in University can damage your health.
"if you know it, you avoid it"
"take appropriate precautions"
"keep away from children"
"don't start.. gives addiction"

Piled Higher and Deeper comics

***** End of Educational Advertisement *****

glam rock has never been my thing

I came across Velvet Goldmine again. The glorious 1998 movie by Todd Haynes [the director of I'm Not Here]. Well, not a perfect film if you ask me, the plot is at times confused or predictable, some scenes remain a bit unclear and some characters a bit too shallow. But it's great in its dreamlike atmosphere, and I love the idea it creates these fictional rockstars and music scene using actual songs and quotes of real concerts, bands and singers. Apparently in his films the director always likes to play around with situations, people and imaginaries we are familiar with, blurring them into a fictional history and stories and using all too believable actors.
But maybe each and every film is precisely about this...
So.. uhm... well, the soundtrack of Velvet Goldmine is also an added bonus of the film... uhm.. but probably, at the end of the day, I liked the film only 'cos of the guys with make-up, androgynous bodies and tight trousers. e.g:

whose science and for whom?!

One of the risks when you don't live in your "home-country" anymore, is that you might feel the urge of watching tv shows online that you would have never even considered when you were living there. Say, for example that you're italian, and that you've always hated RAI1 (TV channel) and totally disliked "Quark", a proto-scientific format that pretends to tell you the Real Truth about everything, from the lives of animals, to the human body, from recent medical discoveries, to ancient civilizations, from why you should eat something, to why you shouldn't use alternative therapies. Now, 2 and a half year that you're not living in Italy and *zak* you find yourself watching a whole episode of this Quark thing online!
As a result, you hate the program again and you remember why you didn't like it in the first place. BUT, you also learn a whole bunch of new stuff.

The episode was about LOVE. So well, that's a catchy theme and I thought "you never know I'll find there the answers to all the meaningful life questions". That's what i found out:
- talking about love means talking about entering in relations to others (clear) and raising children (!)
- love is between a man and a woman, period.
- you can completely find out how love works if you do experiments in labs about the biological and psychological aspects of it ( cartoon animations are crucial for the task)
- consequently you can find exactly how a love starts and ends (wow!)
- you can discover unequivocally which elements strikes when a woman and a man meet. Namely, men are impressed and they like in a woman: sweetness, femininity, kindness, non-aggressiveness, education, sweetness (again) and "a bit of intelligence". Women like in men: intelligence, kindness, decision, their eyes, their smell, their hands, their attitude, their eyes (again), humour, that they make them laugh. (the fair of banality, stereotypes and commonplaces!!)
- love is between a man and a woman, period.
- you fall in love when you are ready to change, and you fall in love with someone who somehow symbolises future possible lives you wish for. (this I liked and I think I agree)
- to create future we need to fuse with each other. (sorry single people, you have no future)
- you fall in love to achieve a biochemical stability (I'll use this as my next pick up line: "ehi you, wanna fuse? I think you can stabilise my biochemical system")
- when you're in love it's like you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder: same amount of serotonin in the blood.
- love is between a man and a woman, period.
- man and woman establish a strong relationship because they aim at making children (sorry, no children = no point in having a strong relationship)
- the woman is a traffic-light and the man is the one who takes the initiative and has to pay attention to the traffic-light.. nowadays women take initiative too.. but that's kinda weird, 'cos men like women to be sweet.
- men like porno, women like romantic novels
- love is between a man and a woman, period.
- people "betray" their partner because they don't love him/her (!!)
- well, many many other incredibly interesting things about the smell of sweat, hormones, jealousy, aggressions, cheating statistics, private investigators, dating agencies, etc...

so:

Dear Quark/Piero Angela,
thank you very much for your enlightening information; however I would like to take this opportunity, if I may, to ask you just a small question: why why WHY!!!?!?!??

Sincerely yours,
d. (which has apparently almost never loved and maybe never will)

a big fucking intellectual

I used to like Robert Crumb's comics and illustrations since when I was like 15 or so because of all the psychedelic stuff he used to do (flyers, album covers, etc..); particularly I fell in love with the cover of Janis Joplin's Cheap Thrills album.
I used to like his "Fritz the Cat" too, even though I knew it was just a story of a sexist, lazy, aroused cat.. But well, I still find it sharp and enjoyable and a genial comics if you think it was made in the late 60s-early 70s and it is still applicable to contemporary situations and people; plus, it's one of the punkest stuff in the world of illustration and comics even though is was made well before 'proper' historical punk was born.

I found this very clip that I consider wonderful, not to mention it talks about books and studying and reading and being a "big fucking intellectual" which is something I find pretty close to my own life right now.. :)

So, even though Robert Crumb himself hated the film made on Fritz and killed his character precisely because it had already been killed by the "violence in the media".. here is the clip.. enjoy it:

Poetic diversions

I should probably write something about the italian elections.. but that's too depressing, too banal and I'm already sick so I don't feel like it.
Instead today i found again this beautiful poem and I read it and I thought "that's it"! So here it is part of my favourite piece of the poem (a small piece for space reasons).
It's in italian.. sorry for the non-italian speaker.. it would be really worth it to understand.. Tiz, do you have an english translation/do you know where can I find it?!?!

(...)
dissipa l'orrore, sposta l'orrore al bene. Dissipa
tu se tu vuoi questa debole vita che si lagna,
ma io non ti trovo, e non oso dissiparmi. Dissipa
tu, se tu puoi, se tu sai, se ne hai il tempo
e la voglia, se è il caso, se è possibile, se
non debolmente ti lagni, questa mia vita che
non si lagna. Dissipa tu la montagna che m'impedisce
di vederti o di avanzare;nulla si può dissipare
che già non si sia sfiaccato. Dissipa tu se tu
vuoi questa mia debole vita che s'incanta ad
ogni passaggio di debole bellezza dissipa tu
se tu vuoi questo mio incantarsi, dissipa tu
se tu vuoi la mia eterna ricerca del bello e
del buono e dei parassiti. Dissipa tu se tu puoi
la mia fanciullaggine;dissipa tu se tu vuoi,
o puoi, il mio incanto di te, che non è finito:
il mio sogno di te che tu devi per forza assecondare,
per diminuire. Dissipa se tu puoi la forza che
mi congiunge a te: dissipa l'orrore che mi ritorna
a te. Lascia che l'ardore si faccia misericordia,
lascia che il coraggio si smonti in minuscole
parti, lascia l'inverno stirarsi importante nelle
sue celle, lascia la primavera portare via il
seme dell'indolenza, lascia l'estate bruciare
violenta e incauta;lascia l'inverno tornare
disfatto e squillante, lascia tutto ritorna
a me;lascia l'inverno riposare sul suo letto
di fiume secco;lascia tutto, e ritorna alla
notte delicata delle mie mani. Lascia il sapore
della gloria ad altri, lascia l'uragano sfogarsi.
Lascia l'innocenza e ritorna al buio, lascia
l'incontro e ritorna alla luce. Lascia le maniglie
che coprono il sacramento, lascia il ritardo
che rovina il pomeriggio. Lascia, ritorna, paga,
disfa la luce, disfa la notte e l'incontro, lascia
nidi di speranze, e ritorna al buio, lascia credere
che la luce sia un eterno paragone.
(...)
da ‘La libellula’ Amelia Rosselli

[This is implicitly an homage to Tiz i guess :) who introduced me to and made me appreciate Amelia Rosselli, reading her poems to me and letting me understand her poetry..]

insure (against) your future

i have the feeling my insurance company is trying to tell me something through their letters carefully adorned with this sort of pictures... subliminal messages not very subliminal?

here's the game, interpret these images and answer this question:
is it me being paranoid and definitively corrupted by feminist idea(l)s or do you also notice some kind of eteronormative/ classist/ sexist/ racist/ gender stereotypes?!

work out?

study math even if it's hard?
go skating?!
be a guy?
be cool?
be white?
be young?

[Ohra's original artworks/copyrights]

be sexy and be pregnant?
or, do i need to get insured when i go out dancing/picking up girls/being picked up???
and this two pics together are just of very bad taste!
[notice also how it is gently stresses that she's pregnant but not alone, there's the caring guy just behind her.. ]

be clean and healthy + get a sensitive guy who will brush teeth with the kids?
and do i also need to play golf??!

yes yes, we got the point! didn't we?

... what the fuck?!
and i have spared you a whole series of pictures portraying a young (white) couple (as in man and woman) getting older and older (thanks to cheap photoshop effects) always happy together and smiling in the camera (i guess 'cos they are happily paying at least 200 euros a month to be safely insured)..

menu > shuffle songs

some nights ago i was in bed listening to my green ipod hoping that it could help me falling asleep. which is something i almost never do because i always think i will wake up stuck in the wire of the headphones or that i will choke with it in the night. it was ages i wasn't playing my ipod and actually paying attention to what is in it. tons of songs i just put in it randomly in the last 2 years, usually quickly before leaving home to go to the airport to catch a flight.
that night i didn't fall asleep listening to these songs, they woke me up more 'cos they are almost all so horribly pop and i thought "what the hell is this?!" or "cool, i had forgotten this song" or "oh god, how much trash there is in here?! but i love it!"..
so here is a random compendium of some nice stuff in my ipod at the moment (+ some favorite lyrics):

* Green Day - Boulevard of Broken Dreams "..and the city sleeps and I'm the only one and I walk alone.."
* Canned Head - On the road again
* Jefferson Airplane - Crown Of Creation
* Pulp - Common People "I brought her to the supermarket, I don't know why but I had to start it somewhere"
* John Coltrane - Resolution & Acknowledgement [couldn't chose one.. the doublebass here is amazing!]
* Franz Ferdinand - You're The Reason I'm Leaving
* Sergio Cammariere - Sorella Mia "..perchè se amore è amore è quello che non chiede, perchè se amore è amore non pretendendo ottiene, però se amore è amore non cerca ma è trovato.."
* Iggy Pop - Lust for life
* The Libertines - Can't Stand Me Now "..You can't take me anywhere, I can take you anywhere/I'll take you anywhere you wanna go.."
* Arab Strap - The first big weekend
* John Cage - Third Construction
* Natasha Atlas - Mon amie la rose
* Noir Desire - Le Vent Nous Portera
* Doris Day - Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps
* Grant Lee Buffalo - The Whole Shebang
* Hole - Celebrity Skin
* Placebo - Every You Every Me
* Creedence Clearwater Revival - Green River [I love his voice! one of the best voice ever..]
* Avril Lavigne - Skater Boy [I know..!!]
* Gogol Bordello - Illumination "..of course there is no us and them, but them they do not think the same.."
* Beck - Loser
* Venus In Furs - Tumbling Down
* Grateful Dead - Ship of Fools
* NOFX - Lori Meyers
* Junior Kelly - Love So Nice "..tell me if love's so nice, why it hurts so bad.."
* Blur - Girls and boys
plus some Smiths, Clash, Dresden Dolls, Patti Smith, Housemartins, Muslimgauze, Michelle Shocked, Rem, Stone Roses, Pixies, Chicks on Speed,Paolo Conte, Vive la Fete, etc.. etc.. etc..

Seasonal rant

Maybe i’m moody, maybe just often tired in this period; maybe too susceptible in changing what I think according to external events, songs, the weather..

When it is like today, rainy, coldish, and I feel a bit lost, just taken by the events, not choosing, just blown by stuff.. it feels like winter. And somehow winter makes me wanting to stay at home, to stay safe, to have a regular life, without too much external excitement. Just me, my loved one, in a warm house, reading, studying, being seriously creative and “looking inwards” into me. And that’s not what I do/what I can do now. Winter for me is: fireplace and some warm liquor. Not that I’ve actually spent much time in front of a fireplace in winter.. I have one, in Rome, but I hardly use it. Here, in Holland, it would be great instead.

Only 2 days ago I felt like spring, which to me is the very opposite of winter. And they say it is spring now (I challenge an alien to come to Utrecht now and guess it is spring!.. anyway..)! Spring to me is novelty, desire to connect with people, to have fun, to change, to be open and get new challenges. Spring is creating something great without thinking about it too much. It is going out, being stupid, getting drunk with friends..
I mean, I like both seasons, I like these two moods, but not when they keep changing so continuously and suddenly!

Also today I was thinking about *being alone*, as in: living alone, going around alone, etc.. I love the contradictions it has for me: the feeling of freedom (whatever that might means), the need for someone to share stuff with, the great possibilities it beholds and the absolute emptiness it can end up being.. Well, that’s a bit of a long story ‘cos I’ve a long-running relationship with the idea of *being alone*, and now I’m really too tired to write...

00:07: going to bed, maybe watching a film, maybe not.

Memories from another planet

These days I was listening to Italian songs, again. Regularly, every couple of months, I have this need to listen to known classic/cool Italian stuff; this time I was listening to fiorella mannoia, vinicio capossela e paolo conte..

As always, with every song I hear, there is a whole set of images, memories and connections that starts spinning around my head together with the sound of the songs.. this time my memories seemed to come from very far away...

So, I was listening to Capossela, “L’Indispensabile” and, together with images of Tiz’s old room, I suddenly remembered that I saw him live once. It was like 6 years ago or so, in this horrible place in Rome, at the borders of the city, where they do big-enough open-air concerts in summer, where actually the concert is an excuse for making you enter in this kinda fair-like space where you are supposed to spend as much money as possible buying food and gadgets and stuff and enroll to salsa courses, go to do fitness and I don’t know what else. Not to mention that the beer is not exactly cheap and the atmosphere generally unfriendly. Anyway, we decided to go because the concert was supposed to be good. I was with some friends, in a couple of cars, maybe some dogs but I’m not sure; because in that period we were always going out with a minimum of 2 dogs and a maximum of 5 or 6, so I guess some of them were there, but maybe not.

I almost don’t remember anything of the concert, i remember that the stage was far and that there were many people and that he (the singer) seemed drunk (which wouldn’t be a very surprising thing knowing him). Anyway, what I remember is that after the concert, like at midnight or so, we left that place as quick as we could and someone said that someone’s friend was having a party somewhere not far, in a place were there was a swimming pool. Somehow we agreed it was cool to go to a kind of cocktail party in a kind of private club with a swimming pool. So we did. The place was pretty deserted, the music pretty dead and none there seemed to have fun ‘cos they were too concerned of being elegant and appropriate to that place. But most importantly, none was in the swimming pool! and, if you know how warm Rome can get in summer, you must agree that it is a very stupid thing not to get in a pool when you have the occasion.

At this point there were for sure no dogs. We met someone someone knew so we could stay, have a drink, etc.. Suddenly, I don’t know why and how, we decided to refresh ourselves in the pool and, not having swim costumes with us, we needed to get in half naked and in underwear. That would be kinda awkward anyway, even more if you are the only people doing it, and even more because for me the all evening was a bit awkward given that I was there with a girl I was going out with in that period and with us there was also a guy with whom she was going out in that same period. Anyway, we undressed (in the changing rooms..! As if there is a shame issue in undressing when you are anyway going to jump naked in the pool!) and had our good time swimming, drinking beer and smoking whilst being in the water. Strangely enough none kicked us out, even though the people working there were looking at us with a mix of disgust, amusement and pity. After few minutes, some of the stiff people around, who before were looking at us as if we were monsters, just followed our example and jumped in the pool as well. The party became decent and we had our good time.

The evening continued but that doesn’t matter here, also because my memories get definitely too clouded.
Rho, if you read this and you can understand my English, please confirm if I remember correctly.. ‘cos sometimes it feels like all that happened centuries ago in a parallel dimension.

This is the guy who was doing the concert. Song "Che cos'è l'amor" (what is love):

Before starting his song he goes: "god is love, love is blind, Ray Charles is blind, therefore Ray Charles is god".. :)

pearl of wisdom/the anti-brusketta theory

Going through old stuff, in my memory and in my ‘computer archive’ (!?), I found this pearl of wisdom.

Originally written in Italian by the evergreen, never-forgotten, enlightened feminist-punk-trash band Fucking Barbies [yes, they are friends of mine.. but they were genius anyway!!], I thought it really needed to be translated in English… so, it is with humble respect that I offer it to you...

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Important note: bruschetta (o brusketta if you want to be ‘alternative’) is an Italian food, usually a starter, consisting of a slice of bread, toasted, with something on top, such as: garlic salt and olive oil, or olives pate’, or chopped tomatoes.. etc.. In this specific case, in my reading of its etymological origin, the term is used in its symbolic meaning of something/someone sticking or spreading itself on something/someone else..
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The ‘anti-brusketta’ is a highly revolutionary theory which can dismantle the central nucleus of our society: the monogamous couple, closed in itself, particularly heterosexual.

How to diagnosticate a ‘brusketta’?

The main points:
1. sudden lack of interest towards those various social activities previously enjoyed with friends,
2. annihilation of yourself ‘in’ the other person,
3. complete habituation to the daily routine that the ‘brusketta’ imposes (the tunnel) and consequent illusion of the self-sufficiency of the couple,
4. total disinterest in your activities, oblivion of your inclinations and aspirations with consequent psychophysical decay,
5. shameless face in reappearing to your friends, previously forgotten, as soon as the relationship is dramatically finished.

The ‘brusketta’ is therefore responsible for the failure of each and every antagonist or revolutionary theory conceptualised so far; accordingly, it is responsible for the existing sexist, patriarchal and capitalistic system.

Fuckin’ Barbies

self-reflective moment or "why!?"

Some days ago, a friend of mine asked me “why do you write a blog?”, I didn’t reply to her yet, ‘cos I was busy and/or I forgot about it.. so now:

I have never consciously thought about it, so I cannot but sketch down some possible reasons for my partaking in such a banal, consumeristic, overexposed, meaningless activity (= blogging) which commercialises individual desires of identity-construction, fake (?) communication, self-affirmation and finally of a certain virtual exhibitionism.. :P

So... I write a blog because I enjoy it; because I can let my friends know what goes through my head and in my days without having to write 100 emails [it is left to be checked whether my friends actually read it though..]; I write it probably because I am an exhibitionist/egocentric bitch; because at least I exercise my writing in a non-academic dimension; because friends asked me to write it; because it is like writing a diary but at least you have witness to that, and someone said that having witness is/can be empowering; because I like the idea that someone far away can know what I’m thinking/doing; because I have never been able to keep a diary for more than a week in a row; because I can do it alone without feeling alone; because I enjoy reading other people’s blogs; because maybe one day I will write something really good and interesting; because I like telling stories and at the end of the day there is nothing false or fake in writing in a virtual space; because anyway “Trust me, I'm telling you stories” [J. Winterson] :)

The only thing I blame myself for is that I could use a free/no-profit/politically active/non-commercial/independent server to guest my blog, instead of contributing to the growth of some rich guy/multinational’s income.. [note: blogger was bought by google which is partially owned by time-warner, one of the top web properties corporations.. you know, international information control, foucalian power, big brother, etc..]… but ja! here I am... guilty and sentient.. blame on me!

Amen

approaching 30 doesn't make you wiser

i'm at home, at my desk, with some red wine and music I hadn't been listening to in the last 2 years and suddenly now is the "perfect" music!
today just passed by, like when you're for few hours on the train and you don't really start anything because you need to get off in a while and you keep thinking of the things you would like to do but you get continuously distracted by the panorama out of the windows..
so, i decided that today is the day i think about turning 30.

i really don't mind about the fact now is 30 and two years ago was 28 and in three years will be 33.. i don't care about the all "passing from being in my 20s to entering in my 30s".. or do i? ..uhm.. nope!
but today my parents cared about it, they told me stories like "30 years ago we were at home 'relaxed' because we knew we had an appointment tomorrow at 9 with the doctor".. why didn't they say it when i turned something like 26?? dunno, but i guess it's part of the game.. so i find it really sweet! i also found out in this way that it's not very strange i'm always late at appointments still now, in fact i was born some days late and my parents arrived 1hour and a half late at the appointment with the doctor on the 18th of February 1978, the day i was going to be born..!! okay i know it doesn't make any sense but at least it makes a good excuse for next time i need to apologise for being late at an appointment!
[gosh, i'm continuously too cold and then too warm that not even if i were in menopause!]

anyway, approaching 30 doesn't make you wiser, in fact:
- it's days i'm listening to trashy classic italian songs from the 70s and 80s!
- today i'm all emotional and weepy (maybe also 'cos i'm getting my period though!)
- i rescued my cds with "political" italian bands like 99posse, onda rossa posse, etc.. plus italian raggamuffin! and i'm even enjoying it to bits!
- i'm not working and i should, and i'm blogging instead
- i'm thinking a lot! [which is notoriously not a wise thing to do] thus entering in some kind of nostalgia for the past or for (im)possible futures [which at the end of the day is the same: languid sadness = shit]
- i didn't go out even if there was a beautiful sun
- etc.. (you can add..)

finally, some impressively enlightening phrases which very smart friends of mine actually uttered in the last weeks:
"Oh, come on, 30 is not that old!"; "I’m looking forward to have my first grey hair, lucky you that you have many"; "I’ve always liked getting older. Every new number sounds more respectable"; "Take it easy, girl..! after 30 you're definitely a 'woman' so... just take that as it comes!"; and so forth…
pleeeeaaase! it's not that you cannot say this stuff, but such sentences may be annoying since they, strangely, seem to connect the simple fact of turning 30 with the fact of getting older.. which, clearly, doesn’t make any sense!

anyhow, tomorrow i turn 30!!! :)
happy birthday to me! :))

thoughts around the autopsy project

since i've been linked to the blog of someone who actually updates her blog kinda cleverly and regularly, now i feel the pressure of writing something intelligent, which i would have written anyway but maybe in 100 months time, so:
a couple of weeks ago i went to see this a m a z i n g performance, in melkweg in a'dam, called "The Autopsy Project", by André Gingras, Korzo Theater.
it was just great! and talking with others there we agreed this is something that, at least, all women's studies people/people who believe to be the updated wave of academic feminism should go and see, to refresh their brain and, for once, really know what art can do!
cannot really describe it. just look at this to have a bare minimum of an idea:


we had some drinks after the performance, in the bar of the theatre, and i finally grasped something i've been feeling other times in similar occasions.. something cool happens in that kind of situations: you feel like you know the people around you, even if it's the first time you see them, 'cos there's something intangible that in that very moment connects you.. you saw the same thing, you were part of the same experience, you partook together to make that performance what it was.. i see it as having done something intimate together, like an orgasm or so.. i mean, wouldn't you feel kinda connected with someone you had an orgasm with? and also kinda grateful, no?
ja, well, that's how i feel sometimes in this situations.. maybe that's just me though.. but maybe not.. i guess it works the same for me also in concerts, or demonstrations, street marches or riots, maybe even in cinemas with good films..
uhm.. just now i realised that maybe i wrote a paper, ages ago, about something similar happening in concerts.. uhm.. bohf! i find it cool though!

a day off

someone might laugh at the idea that today i'm taking a day off, but i'm am!
i can already hear some of you saying one of the following: "it's thursday, why don't you take a day off in the weekend as normal people do?" or, "another day off?? as if you've been working any hard lately!", or "come on you have a phd to write and money to do it, so stop lazying around", etc..
or maybe this is just the voice of my conscience.. or maybe not!

the fact of the matter is that i've a cold (raffreddore).. yesterday i think i also had some temperature.. but i was out and doing stuff all day, drinking beers in the afternoon and it was freezing cold (the day, not the beer)! so I decided it would have been better to take a day off today rather then stay sick for many days.. well, that's the idea, let's see if it actually works..
but this is a "mental day off", meaning that okay, i'm not really working, but i'm anyway replying some emails, copying notes and various vaguely work-related stuff; but mentally i'm taking a day off, meaning, I'm not worried about work, i don't do things i don't feel like doing, i rest if i want to and i simply don't think too much..
and that's how it should be!
the difference is that, you know, sometimes i/you/we have a day off in the sense i don't work very much or very hard, but then i'm very very concerned about not working.. it's called guilt, i guess..so it doesn't really count! that's not a real day off!
so, see...?

the problem is that being in the univ. (as a student or whatever) you almost always think of what you're not doing when you're doing something else than working/studying, that is, when you're having fun.. (or not? i do, and i know many other people who do the same..)
and that's stupid, and that's because you don't have real 'working hours' and every moment of the day becomes a potential good moment to work, and because of the sense of guilt academia always manage to instigate in you..! on top of the all guilt-thing that catholicism instil in people from birth (if you're so lucky as to be born in a place like italy for example).. anyhow, that's another story i guess..
now, back to my day off..

my new year starts now

What would you do if on the 1st of January you would have the feeling nothing is really new, nothing is really going to change? Or better, what if you don't even have time to think what do you want to do in 'the new year' 'cos you're just way too busy with deadlines and stuff you've been dragging around for months and you just need to to conclude them?
I believe in rituals. I need the symbolic moment of closure and renewing.
If the official new year/capodanno doesn't work as a rite of passage, then I need another one: my 2008 starts on the 1st of February (today).

Why the need of having 'a new year'? a beginning of the week, a Monday? a 1st of the month? Why the need to go in cycles, in periods?
[And I'm not talking about that kind of stuff like "women do things/think in a circular/periodical way because they have menstruations and men have a straight logic and think in a linear way because I-don't-know-what"!!]
I'm just asking, how come calendars are one of the first thing humans-in-group think about? [And don't start mumbling around about seasons, stars, agriculture, etc.. I studied anthropology, okay?!! I know that..! I'm just wondering around my thoughts for the fun of it.. no answers needed!]
Finally, how come we/me/you are so attached to the idea of beginnings? To have new chances again? Do get rid of leftovers and start 'clean' a brand new day/life?

Anyway, I like to (re)start, and I believe in rituals.

I spare you the boredom of reading the list of my good propositions for the new year..
It's windy here, and cold; I didn't take a shower yet, I feel like I just woke up now.. and it's not exactly the case.
Sometimes this is nice.. indulging in the in-between of sleep and wake.. the liminal state is proper of all rituals.. "The liminal state is characterized by ambiguity, openness, and indeterminacy. One's sense of identity dissolves to some extent, bringing about disorientation. Liminality is a period of transition where normal limits to thought, self-understanding, and behavior are relaxed - a situation which can lead to new perspectives" (as easy as wikipedia)

It make me feel lazy though..!
Okay, I'm gonna start my day, now, and my year, now, and my ritual is almost completed..